It’s already the last hour of my 18th birthday and what better way to end the first day of my legality than to write (or type) away my feelings as I continue to devour the last pieces of my cake.
I did not have a grand celebration. No parties, no gowns, no roses, no dances. But somehow I already feel grand.
learned experienced two famous quotations in the world. “The truth will set you free.” and “Everything happens for a reason.” I am now a living testimony of these two overused, but “overtrue” quotations.
It was around 10 o’clock pm of the 30th of January when my celebration began. After I did the reflection paper for a subject (Yes, I actually did something productive this weekend.), my family surprised me with a pre-birthday celebration. They sang the infamous birthday song with party hats and other paraphernalia. Of course, we took pictures then we devoured the ever so tasty ‘pancit’ and the cake. I was happy, but….
The pre-birthday celebration was abruptly ended because we already needed to sleep. They did. I, however, stayed awake not because I’m waiting for my birthday, but because I need to stalk some celebrities on social media (Uhm..Hello! Bossing and Poleng just got married. And because the stalker in me arose, I needed to see pictures!). It wasn’t until a friend texted me a happy birthday that I realized that it is indeed my birthday.
My first thoughts? Pwede na akong makulong.
Me and my family went to the church to attend the Sunday mass then off we go to our favorite go-to place. Ayala Malls! We searched for a suitable restaurant to eat and we ended up in Buffet 101. Oh yum… I was so full. I most probably ate half of what I ate the whole week. It was so satisfying specially the last drink I had, black coffee (You know how much of a coffee addict I am.).
Towards the end of my high school, I promised myself that I would buy a quality guitar on my 18th birthday. I held on to that promise up until today. So me, my mother, and my sister went to find one. And that’s when all hell broke loose.
Everything was not going my way. If it’s not the color of the guitar, it’s the sound that I don’t like. But mostly, it’s the price that hinders me in finding the perfect guitar. We didn’t find one. We went to another mall, and I almost bought a guitar, but still, it’s just not the one. I want the perfect guitar for my 18th birthday, the perfect guitar for me. None of the guitars are what I’m looking for. Little did I know that it’s not even a guitar that I’m looking for, but somehow, along being frustrated, I found it. I finally found what I’ve been looking for for the past two years.
My frustration over the guitar made my whole day chaotic. Me, my mother, and my sister were all hot-headed. We came from the same blood, we’re all stubborn, specially me. At the time, it was the worst birthday that I ever had. Fortunately for me, it’s my 18th birthday! The one that is supposed to be extra special. (note the imminent sarcasm)
We went home with not just heavy eyes, but also heavy hearts. My only wish for my birthday did not came true. The tears flow freely on my face on the way home. I was so disappointed, it was my 18th after all. The burden that I felt was so intense that I wanted to curse everyone with everything I had. This is me being stubborn and selfish.
It is no news to my family that I became this guarded, apathetic girl for the past two years. I built my walls up and high to guard my already desperate heart. And as for the turnout of events of my birthday, I was all ready to build my walls even higher and stronger, but in the process of building these walls when suddenly, it collapsed.
I had a heartfelt talk with my mother and sister. I thought it’s going to be just one of those talks that will just make me more apathetic, but as more intense the talk get, the more vulnerable my walls got.
I was wrong. It was not the walls I built, it was a glass box, and I was in the center of it, stuck inside waiting for someone to break the glass. My mother and sister did. For the first time in my life, I truthfully and openly shared what really went wrong with me two years ago, and when I did share, it felt good. It felt freeing.
If you know me personally, you would know that I go to church every day. I go to church to pray for something, and the Lord gave it to me on my birthday. Happiness. For the first time in the past two years, I genuinely felt happy. God may not have given me my birthday wish, but He did gave me my life wish. Iba ka talaga, Lord!
To them, someday. Someday.
To my college ‘Beses’, I know you all think that I’m not a fan of the cheesy stuffs. You know, the casual “I love yous” and “lambingans”, but actually, I envy all of you because it’s so easy for all of you to say and do those words and things genuinely. I never felt that, not until now. So expect so many “I love yous” and “lambings” coming from me for the next days.
To my family, I know how much I have taken all of you for granted. I have been a pain in the ass for so long. I used to be the one who understands, but recently, I’m the one being understood, and it’s all because I’m weak and selfish and stubborn and afraid and empty. I love you all so much and I want to make things right with everyone of you. I now value your love more because today, I believe in it. Finally, I believe. I love you all, I love you.
To God, thank you for giving me the best gift that you can give me. I now know why everything that happened, happened. It’s because you want me to rediscover myself. I’m now the old but new me. There is nothing more that I can say than thank you and I love you.
To self, stay happy. Happy birthday!